hope

The Cost of Poverty Experience

advocacy, assumptions, blacklivesmatter, corruption, Faith, God, hope, humanity, Racial Reconciliation, testimony, Transformation

Recently I decided to participate in a poverty simulation with Unite Greater Dallas. It was called COPE, The Cost of Poverty Experience. I was given the role of a 10yr old AA boy. My character(who is a real person) has African-American mother and father.  His mother is a stay at home mom and expecting another child. His father is employed and rely’s on public transportation to get around. The family can only afford a one bedroom apartment so therefore my character sleeps on the couch and to top it all off has ADHD and is beginning to act out.

*From this point on I will type as if I am in character.

We were told to get in character as much as we could. All of the families where taking an hour of our day to fast track what it is like to live a month in poverty. We were given folders which outlined our assets, expenses and activities that needed to happen that month. For instance, my families assets where a T.V. and Stereo. My mother had to go to a prenatal appointment, both of my parents had to make it to AA and they had to get my ADHD medication.  That’s just a few of the responsibilities my parents had. Each 15min equaled one week in the life of my family.

The first week I had to go to school first. Meanwhile my parents were running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to pay bills, purchase bus passes, work, buy groceries, go to AA, Pawn shop, prenatal ect. I was let out of school 6min into the “week” and told to go anywhere. I chose to go home and wait on my parents to get home. As soon as they got home they were trying to figure out a plan to get through the next week while assessing what they did and did not accomplish. I just sat there.

*The facilitator got everyone’s attention and asked who fed their family that week. Out of 10-15 groups only 2-3 families raised their hand.

The next week I went to school again and instead of waiting until I was released I left early. I went straight to the food market and stole a banana. I was then arrested for stealing. Time was up. It was time to go back home and prepare for the next week. I let my parents know that I was arrested and they continued trying to figure out what to do for the next week.

*The facilitator announces that it is spring break.

My parents look at each other and are like “what are we going to do with him?”. They are planning to pawn the stereo and the t.v. so that they can pay the electric bill and then realize that they shouldn’t pawn the t.v. because I’ll need something to keep me occupied. They figure out the plan and in the meantime are “gifted” with a free voucher for my ADHD medication.  Let week three begin.

Well, while they are trying to pay the electricity I am left with nothing to do so I take it upon myself to find something to do. I stole food from strangers(wasn’t caught), smoke cigarettes with the local dealer. My dad catches me on the street and took me home. He gives me a lecture on drug usage and I throw it right back in his face. I get back out and steal money from the local store and then I am arrested…..again. My mother noticed that I was in jail and comes to try to get me out. Due to my parents not showing up to my last hearing(because they were unaware) they could not get me out and CPS got involved. TIMES UP!

Week four happens…..

By then end of the month I was arrested twice, only my father made it to AA, my mother had to choose between going to her prenatal appointment or getting my  ADHD medication because each required a co-pay that they could not afford. She went to her prenatal. CPS was involved. My dad tried to by alcohol but they were closed when he went. I remember my mother telling me to go the faith center after school in week four. I did not. Why? Because at this point I did not trust adults. I kept getting in trouble for doing things that I felt I needed to do. I was hungry and my parents needed money. I was off my meds for the entire month and there was not a single fun thing that I did with my parents. I felt like a burden and I’d be even more of a burden once my sibling was born. I even remember how if felt hearing my parents rejoice when school was back in session. They had somewhere to put me.

*I’m stepping out of character now.

Each time I was arrested I was bawling. This wasn’t an act. Like I said, the character I was playing is an actual child. That alone is what pierced my heart to the core. As I described my experience I could not stop crying. My husband and I have worked with at risk youth for over ten years. We know what they are going through. We know youth who have gone to juve. We hear their pain and we have walked with them. But this…..

This situation broke me. 

I saw a child who felt alone but I also saw parents that LOVED this child but had to do what they had to do just to survive. I saw parents who are battling addictions and the system only perpetuated it. I didn’t mention and we did not know, but we, as an African-American family were treated differently. The people who played my parents where white but we all had to wear red bracelets which signified that we were an African American family. The people who played “resources” had to treat us with various biases. We did not know this until the end.

I chose to participate in this experience because of Abide. As I’ve been looking more closely at my community I realize that things must be handled even more delicately and the people must be central to any programs in place.  South Dallas has a history that is filled with a tremendous amount of pain via segregation, racism, corruption and sheer hatred of its people.  Dallas has a treacherous history of KKK involvement and Fair Park(an entertainment hub for people in DFW) has a history that screams of White Supremacy.  But this is the history and history impacts our future. So as I look at the past of my community I can see better how to serve in the present. One way is through relationships. Breaking patterns of distrust is a key element here and I know that it’s going to take a solid foundation in biblical truth that will help guide us.

“Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.” – Romans 13:8

And just as it took generations of oppressive systems to create this beast, it will require a tremendous amount of time and patience to heal a community that has suffered much trauma. But let us not put God and His capacity to bring about restoration in a box. I have much hope for Sunny South D. The poverty experience did what is should have done. It broke me and it should break you. My hope is that our hearts will break for what breaks His so that we may be driven to seek racial conciliation and the physical, financial and spiritual restoration of our city. My hope is that God will use the people of South Dallas(fellow image bearers of Christ) to heal the hearts of those in positions of power and cause everyone to pursue further introspection of ones own heart.

Someone asked me recently, if I could share one thing about South Dallas, what would it be? Today my answer is that South Dallas consists of your brothers and your sisters who are worthy of dignity, love and respect. We are image bearers of Christ and we must not be forgotten or looked upon with pity. We are Sunny South D a place where hope lies and dreams can come true. We seek gospel centered justice and that power lies in not us alone….but you.

For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgement, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.  – Romans 12:3-8

 

#recess

Every person who works with people needs to experience COPE. Every teacher, politician, government employee, healthcare worker…everyone. Please find one near you and register. http://www.unitethechurch.org/cope

Remember that we can take a vacation from work, a break from reality but you cannot take a “break” from poverty.
https://www.dmagazine.com/frontburner/2015/07/dallas-fort-worth-has-the-worst-income-inequality-by-neighborhood-in-the-u-s/

My Transformation

blacklivesmatter, Faith, God, hope, humanity, hurt, institutionalracism, pain, Racial Reconciliation, relationships, Transformation

In July I had an anxiety attack that landed me in the E.R. It was brought on after listening to the amazing women of a podcast called Truths Table. The episode was called “Strange Fruit”. I had also been reading up on a lot of information on racial injustice. I remember the subsequent days vividly. My breathing was shallow, chest felt tight and just not right. These episodes lasted for a couple of days until I found myself in the E.R. This was the beginning…the beginning of me understanding my transformation.

If you have read any of my previous blogs over the past year you will see that I have gone through an identity crisis of sorts. It’s been an incredible year. I’ve been exposed to so many different people and I’ve been given a platform that I never asked for and certainly never expected. For some reason people have found that I have a message that is worth hearing.

I’m going to spare you the details of my past, but in a nut-shell, the identity crisis that I speak of comes from a past that was filled with a colonized, revisionist and hidden history that created a woman who did not see color and wondered up until four years ago why there was a Black Breastfeeding Week or black anything for that matter. I was clueless when it came to systematic inequalities and institutional racism. I lived in a bubble and I most definitely was not #woke. Not at all. I was just as blind as the many ytpipo that so many talk about.

But I woke up.

The past few years have been a roller coaster emotionally. With so many POC dying at the hands of people who are supposed to protect them, I’ve become desensitized to news of another death of a person of color. None of it surprises me. At times I am enraged. The more I learn about the history of my brothers and sisters of the diaspora and the senseless deaths of black women and children at the hands of careless medical practitioners who hold implicit racial bias, the more driven I become in doing something about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had some very dark moments. I pride myself on my bridge building reputation but I must be honest. There are times when I want to be just like some people who I know. I want to throw my hands up and say to all white people,           “I DON’T NEED YOU”.  But it’s only by the grace of God that it has not happened, and it won’t. Why? Because I don’t believe that any one person is beyond redemption and I believe that racial reconciliation is yet another beautiful representation of Christs love for His bride…the church.

I was telling my girl Destiny that not a day goes by without me thinking of my race. She asked me if I wished I could go back to how things use to be and I said, “No”.  I said no because in the past I was like the walking dead, completely unaware, and with that lack of awareness came a tremendous lack of true identity, empathy and compassion.  You see, before I was conditioned to think and be a certain way, but now it’s like….damn.

Where do I begin.

Nothing is mine.  My true culture was beaten out of my ancestors. My last name comes from the people who owned my family. I had my beautiful thick and long hair relaxed as a child because my God given hair was too difficult to manage(society). That’s just .00001% of what I could share about me. What about all the black women injured or dying in childbirth at 4x the rate of all other women, or black babies dying at 3x the rate of others before age one. What about redlining, black cemetery’s desecrated to build shopping centers (Lemmon Ave.), black communities moved to flood zones(West Dallas and Bonton)? Food deserts? How about the fact that if it weren’t for my ancestors, this country would not be what it is economically. Yet, what do we own? And I still get people mad because I want to support black owned businesses? Ya know, like we are on even footing. If only we would just work hard. How about the prison industrial complex aka The New Jim Crow?

Oh and #thesunkinplace…..I have found myself in it often this past year. It’s a horrible place to be and it plays a major roll in the struggles I’ve had.

I listed those things because I want you to know where I’m coming from.  I live in the south. As I reflect on my history, it’s not golden. When I go on road trips my mind literally looks out at the trees and imagines the strange fruit that once hung from so many that are still standing.  That’s MY reality.  So yes, I get mad. But more than anger I get filled with a pain that is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. My mind has been overloaded with so much that it came to a point where my heart literally hurts.

But now…

Everything above is raw, but the reality is this. My identity has always and will always been found in Christ. Now, I know I may have lost some of my atheist and agnostic friends, but the thing is,  if you have known me… you know that transparency is EVERYTHING to me and transparency is what you will get. The past couple of months God has been doing something in me. Calming me…slowing me down and helping me to see that there is a reason I was blind my whole life to injustice of so many kinds. It was so that I can hold compassion in my heart towards those who are still walking in darkness, as I did for so long. It was so that while each layer of ignorance is stripped from me, I can then still remain humble. It was so that I can truly feel what he feels.

May my heart break for what breaks His.

My heart is broken, but my will is strong.

 

I’m still healing, in fact I’m certain I will always be in a state of healing. But as I learn to navigate this world in a constant state of transformation, my hope is that I become a woman who seeks radical racial reconciliation that results in bridges built and walls of oppression torn down.

My prayer is that hearts are healed, lives are transformed and God will use His people to bring Shalom to my community and beyond.

#recess

words

 

Living in the Grey

activism, advocacy, Faith, feminism, Focus, hope, humanity, institutionalracism, Jesus, Racial Reconciliation, racism, relationships, Uncategorized

As I sit here alone in my room listening to India Arie’s “Beautiful”, while enjoying the rain and grey sky, I find it fitting to write about my life…in the grey.

I want to go to place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I want to got to a place where time has no consequence and oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers – India Arie, “Beautiful”

The grey is a tough place to be. That black and white life that I used to inhabit was actually a pretty comfortable place. It was was very me vs. them, right vs. wrong, no matter the situation. I had a cut and dry no nonsense type of mentality. Over the years I have learned that my heart was pretty hard and I lacked a tremendous amount of knowledge. I most definitely was not an independent thinker.

I was the first to say “embrace relationship (with Jesus), reject religion”, yet religion still had me bound. It had me so fixated on looking right, living right, giving no appearance of the mess that I really was.  I was one way in the public eye but quite another behind closed doors.  Over the years my faith has been tested on a massive level. Spiritual warfare is real. A few years ago I was brought to the very edge of losing it all. But something happened. I was reminded of God’s faithfulness. This changed my life.  Now I know what it truly means to “embrace relationship, reject religion”.  I see the word of God through a new lens. I no longer see black and white ink. I see a God who walked among the broken and was the perfect example of compassion and empathy. Where black and white ends at salvation and grey begins at living life in a fallen world.

The example was right in front of me all these years but I was so focused on being right that I did not take in to account the human condition. We are all a mess! Every single one of us. The Lord knows this, which is why He gives us examples of His mercy and His grace throughout His word. He knows we are complex individuals which is why the relationship is so vital. Imagine a world where we loved as He loved His disciples time and time again. They walked with Him and yet some rejected Him, doubted Him and were flat out cowards even upon His death. But you know what? He loved them with a love I will never fully comprehend.

I want to go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right – India Arie “Beautiful”

How do we go about cultivating relationships with each other that lead to reconciliation?
How do we find the bridge between polarizing topics and reconcile them?

Step into the grey

In the grey you will see the person behind the policy.
In the grey you will feel what they feel.
In the grey you see the layers, and work to peel them back.
In the grey it hurts because it’s not about you, but about everyone else.
In the grey you become compelled to seek justice and believe it can be done righteously.
In the grey you see Christ in a whole different light.
In the grey you deeply desire to build bridges and tear down walls.
In the grey compassion and empathy drive you.
In the grey you learn to lament.
In the grey you don’t quite fit in.
In the grey transparency is vital.
In the grey you seek consistency…..

Living in the grey can be challenging because in your attempt to comfort the disturbed, you also disturb the comfortable. People don’t like that. They hate being uncomfortable. They don’t like the nice little bubble they live in poked and prodded.  But in our mind we aren’t poking and prodding for nothing. We are simply trying to get people to look beyond their perspective.  To step into the grey.

Shades of grey

The grey that I live in is formed by my experiences as a black woman, mother and wife who is still trying to figure out her identity. Decolonizing my mind from a particular standard of beauty, thought and action all while embracing a hidden history, stripped culture and new perspective.

This separates me from my white counterparts living in the grey.

The grey I’m in has it’s challenges because in an attempt to be a bridge and bring about racial reconciliation, healing and truth I’m are also faced with the brutal truth behind white supremacy and the mess that it has created within society’s structures. The grey helps us to see how things intersect and it’s heartbreaking. It takes every ounce of grace from the Most High not to give every descendant from the oppressor a big fat F U.

I understand why some of my beautiful melanin rich brothers and sisters turn their backs on even the white ally. Because some, still refuse to just listen to the black voice.

Our voice is still silenced, questioned and ridiculed. Our experiences are not taken seriously and in the end #whitefragility is the biggest hurdle. If only those who live in a constant state of fragility at the mere mention of white supremacy would stop, listen and understand that they are contributing to the problem by refusing to comprehend that what we are dealing with is systemic. We’ve all been infected. It’s not a surface wound, it’s in the blood. White supremacy (the disease) has affected EVERYTHING. The descendants of the oppressors were gifted with privilege. Imagine what would happen if that privilege was acknowledge and used for good.  All of us have some form of privilege and reconciliation can be determined by what we do with that privilege.

One thing I know about my ancestors is that they were and we are a resilient people. We have no time to be fragile.  There is much for everyone to learn from POC and the immigrant. 

Please understand that it’s not that I don’t care
But right now these wall are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I want to go to a place were I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might – India Arie, “Beautiful”

I will end with this.  The potential for beauty is there if we can all take off the shades that blind us to other people’s pain. When I say all, I mean it. All people across racial, religious, socio-economic and gender lines. Let’s begin to see each other, rather than discuss each other. When we step into the grey we see humanity. It comes with a tremendous amount of pain but the pain is much like a mother in labor, it has purpose. It makes us more compassionate and, in the end more like Christ whether you choose to believe He exists or not. It will make you want to stop and retreat back to your bubble (trust me) but you can’t. Once you’ve entered the grey there is no turning back, no matter how hard it may be the truth compels us. Pull out your inner woman and push through, for the results are nothing short of…beautiful.

Who’s my Hero?

depression, hope, hurt, Jesus, mental health, pain, rape, suicide, testimony

This weekend Ramon and I went to a marriage conference called, Build a Better Us, Pursuing the Extraordinary http://buildabetterus.com/ . To be honest I thought it might have been like any other typical marriage conference with break out sessions with your normal topics such as “Let’s talk about sex”….”Submission and Respect”…”Identifying your Love Language”.. etc. You catch my drift?

Well, it was not that……at all.

With all the rich material we learned at the conference there was one thing that pulled everything together.  One thing that is the solution to pretty much every conflict in and outside of marriage. One thing that if we truly believe and apply to our lives can truly bring about radical transformation and reconciliation. One thing that had me thinking about everything that has made me the woman I am today.
I just needed to admit and believe that…..
1. I am a mess.
2. And yet deeply loved by God.
3. Grace transforms us.

With that said…..here is my testimony.

I will preface this by saying that I grew up in a wonderful working class home with a mother and father who love each other dearly and were extremely present in my life.

College

Sucked.

Can I just leave it at that?

No, because what happened there plays a huge role in who I am today.

I went to college straight out of private school with a high moral compass. In fact I would dare to say that I was pretty much known as the prude one. Maple Hall was the bomb that year because it was the first year that it was co-ed. There were block party’s all the time that year, right in front of my dorm. I was a dance major so I was always in my dance gear and socializing with other artists. Let me keep it real. There is a lot about college that I do not remember. I think over the years I tried to forget but as I type, some things are coming to remembrance. I feel like I’m in a therapy session.

Let me just cut to the chase. There was this one guy who caught my eye and I guess he had his eye on me. We were NOTHING alike. Maybe that’s what attracted me to him. He was “risky” for lack of a better word. Anyways, we started “talking”, I can’t say dating because we never ever went anywhere, we just hung out and made out a bit. I made it clear from the get go that I was saving myself for marriage. I mean I had the purity ring and everything. Well one day he didn’t listen, he ignored me. I could have yelled, I could have pushed harder for him to get off of me…..but I froze. I was embarrassed….and he knew I would be. I got up and went to my dorm room and cried in my shower washing all of him off of me. I don’t recall praying so hard. I went days without talking to him and he insisted that we talk because he knew what he did was wrong. It was a subject we never really discussed and we never said the “R” word out loud to each other. You see, I was incredibly naive and gullible. I also had this twisted idea that whoever had that special part of me needed to be special to me. So I continued in an on again, off again relationship with him for years.

Not all of college sucked. I mean I was part of the gospel choir, dance was great and I had CLU…I thought you knew ;)(Christian Ladies United). I also met my now husband there.

But this is the deal. That night changed me. Not only did I endure an emotionally abusive relationship for years with this guy but my self worth became based on the attention that guys gave me.  I became very promiscuous. Don’t think for a second that I’m downplaying it. Pretty much if any guy gave me attention, we were going at it. I’ve had my share of broken hearts and morning after pills. I didn’t have a “type” per say.  My “type” was whoever gave me attention….until I became too much to deal with. Emotional immaturity was running a muck!

I remember one year in college I laid every pill I had on my bed and I was going to swallow them. Then the fire alarm went off and I thought to myself, “well, I don’t want to burn to death”, so I went outside and I called a fellow dancer friend and I told her exactly what happened. She helped me that day.  I also have my late cousin Bill to thank for being available to me in the middle of the night when I wanted to die. He talked me off the edge and I went to sleep that night feeling alright.

To spare you some details, college and my early twenties where just a mess with many suicidal thoughts, therapy and meds….

Until my Hero showed up

Ramon Smith (my now husband) showed up one day with “The Crew” at my job at Pottery Barn Kids. Ramon was the first friend I met in college. Freshman orientation First Flight to be exact.
I was a mess. I was broken and had pretty much given up on God, and in the spirit of transparency, I just didn’t give a shit. We sat outside Stonebriar Mall in Frisco, I lit up my cigarette and for the first time I witnessed him see me, the “messed up” Cessilye. But all along he saw the me that he always new to be true. He listened to me. He empathized and loved me in spite of my mess. He had his Bible with him but I don’t recall him actually opening it. He listened and he then spoke life over me. I don’t remember the details of what he said but what I do know is that he genuinely heard me and responded with compassion. He was gentle and for the first time I felt valued. That day I believe God used him to save my life.

Three months later I call him to the hospital to be with me because my cousin Bill had an accident. This was the beginning of us pretty much not going more than a day without speaking to each other. To this day it saddens me that Bill and Ramon never really met. That Bill doesn’t know that his accident actually brought Ramon and I together. That Bill also saved my life.

This can get long ya’ll. But I’m going to try and condense.

Ramon and I pretty much knew we were going to be married, we dated for two years and it was wonderful! I remember us falling to sleep on the phone with each other, he was always taking me out to some open mic or jazz club and we just had loads of fun. The flowers never stopped coming, it was amazing! This is how a woman is supposed to be treated? I can get use to this…..and I did. We got married, first year was awesome, second year was cool then we had our issues with infertility(that’s another blog – Making a Baby) and figuring out how to not lose our identity as individuals in a marriage that meant we were one.  Oh boy! Let the issues begin shall we?

Ramon and I will be married ten years in August. It’s been a roller coaster of a ride. There have been times where I’m like “Who the hell did I marry?” and there are times when like, “I’m an emotional idiot……so get away from me, I mean…..come here” – Maggie Estep (Def Jam Poet) video. Again, emotional immaturity.

Over the years we have had many conversations about how things use to be and why they aren’t the same. We’ve had issues with intimacy and identifying each others love language. One of mine is physical touch(ya don’t say!). Which is why I believe that played a role in how I viewed love in past relationships. But anyhow, recognizing that change is good and healthy, we would eventually get through whatever dilemma we might have been facing and grew from it.  It’s been a journey for sure. A major part of the healing journey was when I faced my ex with Ramon by my side, and I forgave him. Talk about a burden lifted.

Today tho….

Today was a revelation.  I remembered about a week ago I was laying in bed crying thinking about all the counterfeit relationships I’ve had, and then grieved because I felt like “damaged goods” and weary due to all of the baggage. But this is one of the lies that the enemy was whispering to me. Today as I was reflecting on that pain I was also redirected towards the hero that never should have been. The hero I found in my husband and the hero who will always fail me because even he is a mess.  He was always my hero. The one who saved my life and treated me special. The one that truly loved me. He wasn’t completely ignorant to this. He came in and swept me off of my feet. He knew about all of my baggage and he was determined to be what those other men were not…….but things got real. Life happened, the honeymoon phase was just that…a phase. The realities of life living with someone forced us to see under the mask we wear. This is where the Lord revealed our true selves and we had to face it.

My true self was needy, selfish, emotionally fragile and desperate for someone/something that would not let me down.  All of those counterfeit relationships were like me searching for that hero. When my husband stepped in he was unlike anything or anyone I had ever experienced. But it’s taken all of this time of pruning within the institution of marriage for me to realize that the real MVP, the true Hero is in Christ. That this entire time He was trying to show me that man will ALWAYS fail me in some way because we are all…A MESS.  I’m actually chuckling now because Ramon and I have been through so much and there have been many times where he just has not met my expectations. But thinking back, my expectations of him were self motivated, irrational and performance driven.  Oh goodness!

I’m smiling because in recognizing that we both are a HOT mess and reflecting on how the Lord has brought us through it all, it further shows me how deeply loved we are by Him. The pruning process can be so hard but when we are able to combine the two, this messy deep love produces something incredibly beautiful….

Transformation. #thatgracetho

I love how the Lord’s grace allows us to recognize our need for Him. How I can look back and see one constant. The real Hero is the one who brought me through it all. The one who keeps showing me that His love cannot be earned, but is freely given.

Matthew 11:28 says
“Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

I choose to rest in my mess and know that I am deeply loved by God, who’s grace will continue to transform me.

#recess

 

 

 

 

RE-A-CESS

advocacy, Birth, corruption, Faith, feminism, Focus, God, health, hope, hurt, pro-life

When I came up with the title of this blog I did not notice my nick name in it (Cess), or how in this current season of life I would be re-assessing how I do…life. I truly was blind to it and went way deeper into the definition of what a recess is and how each letter represents each member of my family.

Well, here I am. Re-assessing so much. Shall I begin?

I took a random break from that place my friend Brianna calls facey-space and it has been AMAZING. In a way I’m dreading getting back on but I’m also excited about how I will utilize my time on social media and how I can better the world around me through my words.

Through this time I realized I allowed the burdens of this world to cloud my vision. Now you may be wondering what my vision is. Well…..I envision creating a better world. Most specifically a better world for not only my children but for women and children. Yeah, I also have a bent towards women and children of color. As a chocolate skinned woman I am well aware of what is going on around me. I see, feel, taste and smell the poison that this world is pouring into our lives. I’m especially sensitive to racial inequality, systematic racism, and anything that places people of color(of any color I might add) as secondary to our white brothers and sisters.

Anyways, I’m re-assessing so much. Like for instance. How much negativity do I allow in? “Protect your space” is something I hold dear and I encourage you to do the same.  We could never abolish all of the corrupt sinfulness of the world but we can limit how much we allow in our sacred space. We could allow it to drown our thoughts to the point of self devaluation and hatred toward others or we can tighten the knob on the faucet and just let a few drops in every now and then. This allows you to process it all and then decide what you will do with it. You might let it sit there for a grip. But it’s a slow fill.  When the knob is loose the faucet is wide open. You then run the risk of a flood. Let that $hit drip.

Focus. When I allowed the faucet to remain open I then lost my focus. I wanted to do everything to make a difference all while doing nothing.  So, now that I’ve got that faucet dripping and darn near closed I am able to focus on things that matter.  What are the things that matter to you and what are you doing about it?

Well currently the focus has been on self-care, marriage and children. Through my work as a doula I have become more vocal about my pro-life stance and have since been pushed into this wold of advocacy. During my time away I finally opened the drain and let the problems of the world flow down through the pipes all while stopping up the plug and leaving the few things that I can manage in the sink of my heart and mind.  What am I going to do with it? Well…. a lot.

I’m kind of nervous but I’m overwhelmed with so much anticipation for what the Lord has in store. I see change. Change in feminism. Change in healthcare. Change in what pro-life means. I see structures that lead to the oppression of people torn down. I see women being helped through the crisis so that they have hope during their pregnancy and beyond. I see empowerment and a change of heart. I see woman and children saved. I see many more advocates. I see a NEW WAVE of empowering women and understanding what that means.

I feel this is the time for a shameless plug. Have you heard of Doulas For Life or New Wave Feminists? How about The Guiding Star Project?  Well, if you haven’t you should check them out right now. We are in the aftermath of a storm. Generally a storm brings destruction but in the end it’s up to us to figure out how to pick up the pieces and put everything back together.  So instead of putting them back where they use to be we are making new buildings that are more structurally sound. Instead of everyone re-building their own structure alone, we are building together. We are assessing how and why the buildings were not able to withstand the storm, and our hope is that the new buildings we create will not only withstand future storms, but will provide shelter for those who are in the midst of their own personal struggle.

“If you want to get rid of the weed you must pull it up by the root. Let’s uproot the system and plant a seed that bears fruit.” – Cessilye

#RECESS

https://www.facebook.com/doulasforlife/

https://www.facebook.com/NewWaveFeminists/?fref=ts

http://www.newwavefeminists.com

https://www.facebook.com/TheGuidingStarProject

 http://theguidingstarproject.com/

 

 

 

 

 

2016

Birth, blacklivesmatter, corruption, Faith, Food, God, health, hope, hurt, institutionalracism, Jesus, Motherhood, pain, Parenting, race

What comes to mind when you think of 2016? Is it the Presidential election, Black Lives Matter, Planned Parenthood, senseless deaths….Haiti? Is it social media, bathroom rights, Cosby, Kanye, The Kardashians, and Katherine Jenner? How about mommy wars, breastfeed shaming(to cover or not to cover), GMO’s, Vaccines and all those holistic dr. deaths being suspect.  What about police brutality, riots, Dallas, the New Jim Crow, Flint and …the wall.

I know, I know, some of you are probably thinking….damn.

Some of you are probably wanting to stop reading right now, but wait.

I know that this year has bene rough to say the least.  I personally left tha book(you know what I mean) right before the election. I needed to. As much as I wanted to change the world for my children the world was wrecking me.

I’m an empath.  Google it….With that said this year has been a tough one.

I initially thought that this blog entry would be about how amazing 2016 had been. Because when it’s all said and done there is a laundry list of things that I am so thankful for. It’s been a whirlwind but a good one. The tough times have brought me to a place of self reflection and healing.

The thing is…I want to encourage you. Instead of marinating on the brutality of this past year or wishing for it to be over I want you to close your eyes for a while and peel back all the thick layers of hurt and pain until you come to something…beautiful.

Keep peeling….

Peel it off…

keep on going…

almost there….

Have you found it?

Now once you’ve found it I want you to reflect on it. Go deep. See if anyone else could have possibly been affected in a positive light. After that I want you to go searching for more. It should get easier. Pretty soon you just may be focused solely on just how amazing 2016 has been. Notice I didn’t say “was”. Because 2016 is not over. You still have a few more days to make incredible memories.

Can I share something beautiful with you?

In Oct. I found myself on the verge of a mental breakdown. My husband and I were not speaking each others love language, I was overwhelmed being at home all day with three kids under five. I was always tired, I missed being fit and dancing like I use to, I was sad. Sad because my family life is not how I imagined it would be. Sad because of all the tragedy in the word and my eyes being opened to oppression and institutional racism. People of color feeling hopeless and babies dying in the womb because women feel they have no way out and a government that keeps people trapped into an oppressive mindset and way of life. I could go on and on at the things that were plaguing my mind but let me get to the good stuff.

The good stuff is that I know for sure that I needed help. I’ve suffered with depression on and off for years. And post partum depression can develop anywhere from a few weeks to a year after delivery. Is it possible that if you have your babies every 2-2.5 yrs like me, that you never fully kick it? Maybe, all I know is that with a little help from some natural supplements(I’m not talking about the ganja 😉  Although, that stuff has some amazing properties if you can get it legally(obey the laws of the land ya’ll).

Anyways supplements helped me and dare I say it(to all my agnostic and heathen friends, don’t tune me out) Jesus. I’m serious ya’ll. If there is one thing that has remained constant in my life it is Christ. The one that saved me. The one that listens even when I may not feel He is. The one that keeps me going. The one that I will always and forever give glory to. I’ve joined a local BSF where we study the Word. Not devotional, no….BIBLE STUDY. It’s been amazing. But most importantly, my relationship with God is growing. I’m grounded or shall I say rooted.

I encourage you to give up the desire to be “tha man or woman” and lay your burdens at the cross. Just lay it out. Everything……then wait. Wait for His direction and be prepared for whatever that is. Sometimes it is in line with what you want and then sometimes it reminds you that your desires aren’t His desires. People often misquote Psalm 37:4

“Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

They usually take out the first part of that sentence and say “Girl you know God will give you the desires of your heart”…………..WRONG……but right. Who or what do you delight in? If you aren’t delighting in the Lord then……marinate on that for a minute.

My husband teaches our children this saying. “I am what I am by the grace of God, by the grace of God”. Now repeat that.  Rap that piece. Add a little shoulder bounce and beat to it. I’m here to remind you that “You are what you are by the grace of God, by the Grace of God”.

So if you don’t take away anything from this year, take away that…and carry it into the new year.

Romans Road – Romans 3:23, 3:10, 5:12, 6:23, 5:8, 10:9-10, 10:13, 10:17

John 3:16

Ashe,

Cessilye

#RECESS

r-e-c-e-s-s-1482471990537

Motherhood

Faith, God, health, hope, Motherhood, Parenting

When we say we want to be mothers do we see what all that entails? Did you look past the glamorous pregnancy, beautiful baby and sweet children? I know I didn’t.  LOL!

I always knew I wanted children. I wanted five. A part of me still does(did I just type that?).

Motherhood is not for the weak. I say this because it’s truly the hardest thing I have ever done. I mean, loving my children is easy.  It’s the dying to self, remaining patient and self care that is not.

I believe motherhood is one of the most selfless things that you can do. You literally have to die to self daily. What do I mean when I say that? Well, just imagine your children’s lives if you did everything you wanted to do with no regard to what they want or need?  Do you need some examples?…..ok

Think about what you would drink. How about what you would listen to or watch. Want to be spontaneous and go to a concert or movie at midnight? How about sleeping in or staying out as late as you want? Double date anyone? What if you just want to sit in silence and read a book?……….I’m laughing at the thought of silence in the middle of the day.

Get the picture? When you are in the middle of it, it’s easy to get lost, to lose your identity, to be overwhelmed with the privileged responsibility of nurturing the little munchkins until they are mature, responsible adults. It’s a lot of responsibility for just one child yet alone three or six!

But we are capable.

All of this reminds me of the daily battle of crucifying my flesh so that I may live in Christ. Peeling off that sinful nature so that I may live! The struggle is real. Selfishness is real. But I am a new creature and I know that the more I reach for Him the more ammunition I have to fight the flesh. I pray the Lord prunes us all so that we can produce more fruit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23

Look at that fruit! Every single one of those delicious, nutritious and life giving fruits are detrimental to child rearing. Don’t think of a home where these fruits are absent. Think of a home that is lacking in just one! It’s amazing how just one affects them all.

Motherhood teaches us that just as a child is 100% dependent upon us from the womb. WE are 100% dependent upon our Lord every.single.day.  Even when we think we are doing good, when are we truly ever not in NEED of CHRIST?….NEVER. For it’s in those moments when we think we are good that we may become tempted to be self-righteous. Hence out dependency upon the Savior.

Listen sisters, I am the first to say that this role is tough but let us not lose hope. Let us remember that He has called us for such a time as this(Check out the calling on Esthers life in Esther 4).

Let us remember that….

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. – Proverbs 27:17

Lean on Christ, breath and make sure you take care of yourself.  I know that those kiddos can do a number on our mental health so  don’t be afraid to get on some supplements. They have helped me in more ways than I can count. Get up before everyone, workout even if it’s 15min, watch your eating. I guarantee you will feel better when you eat better and sleep more. I know, I know. There is a laundry list and literally laundry to be done but you know what? It will get done….eventually. Close your eyes and realize the treasure that you have been given and always remember that in order to have healthy children mama must first be healthy. How will you commit yourself to good health? Mental, spiritual and physical health. Today’s a new day.

To MOTHERHOOD! Now, grab you sword(bible), supplements, coffee and sometimes wine.

We got this.

#RECESS

my-three

Hurt People, Hurt People

Faith, hope, Racial Reconciliation

As many of you know, I am an advocate. An advocate for women, babies, black lives and above all I am unashamed of The Christ that I follow.

With that said I have taken a step back and observed. I have observed the media highlight what they wish in order to stir up specific responses from people, and it has worked. But let us not minimize the response.

No matter the motive the reaction is real. The racism is real, the shootings are real, the murders are real, the loss of life is real, the fear is real, the good cop is real, the bad cop is real, the black man, woman, boy guilty or not is real, marginalized people are real, institutional racism is real, the families affected are real, residential segregation aka “redlining” is real, the history of black and white people is real, segregation is real, slavery is real, Jim crow is real, lynching is real, black wallstreet is real, Selma is real, white supremacy is real, the preschool to prison pipeline is real, abortion is real, the devastating infant and maternal mortality rates for women and babies of color is real, gentrification is real, white privilege is real, the “elite” is real, classism is real, sexism is real, prejudice is real, color is real, a stripped culture is real, poverty is real, colorism is real, corrupt systems are real, people….flesh and blood, hearts pumping and brains in overdrive are real,             THE PAIN IS REAL, THE HURT IS REAL……..

Does this list make you angry because you feel a finger is being pointed at you? If it does then I urge you to seek  prayer for clarity, understanding, empathy and compassion. Because when it’s all said and done…..it’s not about you, it’s about someone else’s pain. When you fail to see how you can be part of the healing process and live out Romans 12: 15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn”, you then become part of the problem.

A sweet friend of mine wrote a blog recently and something stuck out to me. I mean, it pierced my heart and made me deeply desire everyone in this world to see and apply it to their lives.

Feel before you act.

Is it possible for us to do this? Is it possible for us to take off the layers of defensiveness and just feel someone else’s pain?

For my brothers and sisters out there who’s heart’s have hardened due to the the current racial climate, I want to remind you of something. Just as all the things listed above are very real today and I understand your heart is so weary with the reality that there is a thin line between love and hate. Please know that there is one more thing that is also very very real …..Jesus.  Jesus is real.

As many will lead you to believe, He is not just the “white mans God”. I urge you to go to the feet of our Father and lay your pain at the throne. Lay it out and seek Him for ways to lead you on to a path of making a radical impact in your community.  This division you see is the enemy working overtime. He sees you are hurting and will use that to inflict hurt even among our ally’s. Let’s allow the Lord to lead us well. Allow Him to use you to bring about racial reconciliation. It starts with us. The church. #therealchurch #wakeupchurch

Hurt people, hurt people. But only Christ can bring true healing.

#Recess