I thought I would republish the journey of motherhood on my new site. Here you go.
So this is not about the act of making a baby 😉 This is about God’s plan in the development of our child.
I always knew that I wanted children, so in all seriousness I had no problem getting started with this process the moment Ramon and I got married. We were married August 25, 2007. I was on birth control for health reasons and we prayed about me getting off of it. We didn’t feel it was necessarily right plus we wanted to have children and we knew that my body would have to adjust to being off the meds in order for that to happen. Coming off of the contraceptive would mean that I “risked” having major health issues. Well, we took a leap of faith and came off of it in February of 2008. My body had no reaction! Praise the Lord.
For two years Ramon and I didn’t necessary “try” to conceive but we did not prevent. We wanted to put our children in the Lords hands. Well, that was easier said than done. All along Ramon is pretty calm and patient and is trusting our Father that it will happen while I on the other hand was wondering whats wrong with me.
September of 09 -After conversations with my OBGYN they set up an appointment for me to have some die pushed into my fallopian tubes(for lack of the original term). Boy was that painful. The result was that one of my tubes was completely blocked and no egg was able to be released due to polycystic ovarian syndrome(PCOS). So, as devastating as that was at the moment they reassured me that I only need one fallopian tube in order to have a baby. So, I’m good. However they did refer me to an infertility doc…oh joy!
So at this point we decide to wait it out. This process was emotionally heart wrenching. This was the most difficult time for me. Everything bothered me. If I saw or heard of a pregnant teen or someone unwed getting pregnant I would lose it. Because Ramon and I decided to wait until our wedding night, I had this false sense that I’d done everything right(A bit self-righteous when I think about it). By no means was I perfect but Ramon and I had made a commitment to one another and we wanted to start our relationship off right. As hard as it was we obeyed the Lord in saving ourselves until our wedding day. I wondered why. I had always wanted to be a mother. Heck, I wanted five children but I’ll take just one. why, Why, WHy, WHY!?!?!? was the question I had for God.
January 2010 Ramon and I visited a church in our community. It was early January because he was off of work and hadn’t seen any of the Fortress kids in a while. As we are walking in and finding a place to sit a little boy comes up behind us that he recognizes from Fortress. He was only about five. After asking him a few questions we came to the understanding that he is there all alone. He just strolled into church. Ramon left with him to see if his mom knew where he was. They returned and we were sitting there like a cute little family with the little boy between us. After about 10 minutes three more youth show up. So, Ramon scoots on down. Praise and worship is in full effect and two more children show up. At this point we have six children sitting between us. Some we know and some we don’t. I’m in tears. No…I’m bawling. I considered this scene that was happening before my eyes a huge revelation. I wasn’t crying the oh woe is me tears. I was crying because I saw our future. If this wasn’t a sign of what God had planned for us then I don’t know what it was. All I know is that He taught me something that day.
In February of 2010 Ramon and I decided to see the infertility doc. We both had to go through a series of tests. Um it sucked. I had a sonogram and I was so nervous at this point because so much had already gone wrong.
I lived in Fort Worth while my doc was in Frisco. We were on our way to the appointment and the verse Jeremiah 29:11 came to mind. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans of good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope”.
I had in my mind that God wants to grant us the desires of my heart…so …why isn’t it happening? It took a 45 min drive for my eyes to be opened to Gods will for my life. He had been waiting on me to surrender my will to Him. He had been waiting on ME to desire HIS will for my life. At that moment I knew that although my desire for children where valid as a woman, God wanted me to truly seek, honor and trust Him with my LIFE. He wanted me to get to a point of COMPLETE TRUST. Because of this I had to come to grips with what He may allow me to go through even with the results of the sono.
I had to put the worst scenario in my mind in order to fully cope with this.
This is my scenario. In my mind the worst thing they could say is that I would have cancer. Sitting there in my car I came to the understanding that if that was so then God has a plan not only for me but for many others. I felt an overwhelming peace over me that simply gave me all the confidence I needed to walk into that doctors office and say “bring it”. And that’s exactly what I did.
My sono turned out clear and I was told I was healthy however, do to the results of Ramons test and with the combination of my having PCOS which caused me not to ovulate and having only one functioning fallopian tube, our only option was to go through in-vitro fertilization. He offered no other option to us and made it clear that this was the only way we would ever conceive. As the doctor looked at us expecting us to hop on board with this new-found news Ramon and I held hands and knew that it was not an option for us. We decided to truly let God have this. We were done with the doctor visits and tests. We also knew that doctor did not have the final say in our life or the life of our child. We walked out of that office with confidence that the Lord had given us our answer…not yet.
Not yet? What does that really mean? It means that despite what the doctor said, He our Savior has the final word and if we are meant to have children then it will come whether from my own womb or from another. I have never felt more comfortable with the answer “not yet” before in my life.
Did I share that in two years I had only had four cycles total? Every year in January and September.
Well, in April of 2010 I had one and I had one for every month after that until July. I do not think I was EVER more excited to have a period. I would text Ramon and some of my close girlfriends every month it would happen. The Lord answered my prayer. I had been praying that the Lord would just restore my body to its natural order.
During this time Ramon and I were researching adoption. It was already something we wanted to do and something we still desire so we looked into the “foster to adopt” program. The organization that we went through eventually didn’t settle well with us so we decided to research other avenues.
So, August comes around and…nothing….I didn’t worry about it because after the last four months of things going well I considered it another skipped month. It wasn’t until I started craving pinto beans and cheese and my girls swelling that other people started wondering hmm are you pregnant? I denied it up and down. I have had every symptom of pregnancy known to man when I didn’t have my period before, so this did not raise a flag for me. Plus, I said that I was not going to take another test unless I knew. The more people raised questions and the longer it went by without me starting a period the more curious I became.
I woke up early September 14 (the day before my birthday) and took a test. It came out positive. I didn’t believe it…no seriously, I really didn’t believe it. I went to the store and bought a digital test. Took two and they where both positive. I called my friend Michelle to see where I could go to get a blood test. I finally just calmed down and I knew that I was pregnant. OMG!
I woke up Ramon and took him to a park that my dad use to take me to as a child. We laid out a blanket and began to talk about our future…our life…what God is doing with us. At this time keep in mind that Ramon had been laid off and I had not been working. We still chose to trust God in where we were. At that point I asked Ramon if He believed God has a plan for us and that His timing is perfect. His response of course was Yes. Well, and then I lay the tests on his chest. It was such a sweet moment. We knew that God had been working it all out and that despite us being unemployed and living with my parents, He had something big around the corner.
This child is a blessing, a gift that we are giving right back to our Savior. A child that doesn’t really belong to us to begin with. A child on loan to teach, train, rear in the knowledge of Christ. The baby is just part of our story. One chapter in our life. We have many more to tell. Until then…
Be Blessed and Be a Blessing!
Ramon, Cessilye and Peanut