So, after weeks of waiting on my baby to arrive I was finally at my breaking point. On May 11, I laid down and spoke with Peanut and God to please come soon. I just couldn’t see myself going another three weeks.

Sure enough, at 6:15am I got out of bed to go to the restroom and there goes my water…right down my legs. I was pretty surprised because only 12% of women actually have their water break before labor. It was a moment of complete relief and joy because I knew then that I was going to see my peanut sooner rather than later. I did not have to wait another 1-3 weeks! The look on Ramons face was priceless. You could tell he was excited. It was a refining moment for our family. We are now two on the verge of becoming three. I sent my midwife Laura Cochran  and her assistant Amy Berrelli a text letting them know what was going on. Laura was calm cool and collective. I just continued to keep her updated.

I did not immediately go into labor. In fact I was feeling cramps but I didn’t recognize them as labor pains until 11:45am when they got more intense. At that point Ramon began timing them. They fluctuated between 4-22 minutes apart for 25hrs averaging at times between 4-10minutes apart. During this time Ramon and I labored on our own. In fact it was really amazing. I baked chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies and had the most amazing cheese steak w/cheese wiz for dinner and we went to bed. The contractions at this point were strong enough that I could not sleep throughout the night. I slept in between contractions and while a contraction was in effect I would moan or vocalize to get through them. I constantly kept Laura updated and she would continue to encourage me and tell me to be sure to sleep because I was going to need it later. She also wanted me to call her when I needed her presence.  Well, I felt pretty darn good on my own. With Ramons help it was painful but manageable so I just kept on laboring. It wasn’t until 5ish am that things started getting a bit more intense and Laura suggest Ramon fill up the tub. I tell ya, when I got in the tub the pain decreased by 50%. It was amazing!!!!!!

Amy arrived first then Laura shortly after around 8ish that morning on May 13. Around 10:30am Laura checked me and then told me that she would like to give me on some herbal remedies to try to speed along the process, she asked me if I would like some benedryl too so that I can get a few hours of sleep. Of course I said yes to that. I ended up getting about 2 1/2 hrs of sleep and boy did I need it. About an hour later she checked me again and at this point she gave me two options. #1 to continue laboring like I was which I could do however it was unproductive or #2 enjoy a delicious peanut butter, chocolate and castor oil milk shake 🙂 Oh joy…No seriously…That shake was DELICIOUS! Obviously, you know what option I chose. As I sipped on my castor oil shake Ramon and I went on a walk around the neighborhood. Did that shake work or what because soon enough I was having contractions every 10-15 steps! We only walked around the block and we went back into the house. At this point I was on fire and I felt like I needed to go poo really really bad…but I couldn’t. That’s when Laura told me that its my baby descending and that’s how it will make me feel. I hopped in the shower to cool off and deal with the pain.

(Did I mention that during the 25hrs of early labor I hadn’t dialated past a 2. In fact I was barely a two and boy am I glad Laura never told me.)

Ramon wanted me to rest seeing as that I was wiped out. The moment I had a contraction I hopped up and said “Get me in the pool now!” I literally could not stand another contraction outside of water.

I got into the pool around 2:30 and this is when my “active labor” began. I labored for 6 intense hours. I remember at some point asking Amy and Laura when it was going to be over. I remember Laura saying “Cessilye, now this is labor”. Those 25hrs prior to this moment was a breeze compared to the real deal. Ya wanna know my secret to getting my mind off that pain….lol. I just had a Major Pain flashback. Ok, seriously. I stopped vocalizing and began internalizing all of my pain directly to my uterus. I remember the first time I did this I was in the bathroom with Ramon and I envisioned my uterus pushing my baby out, Ramon catching Peanut and then handing me our baby. It brought such a huge smile to my face and I was able to cope with the contractions much better after that. I also, spoke to my uterus. I know it sounds weird but towards the end of labor you just simply want your baby!!!! So, I would mentally tell my uterus to give me my baby. I was yelling in my mind.

The wonderful thing about my labor is that I didn’t have any distractions. I did not have anyone directing me. I had my husband who continued to encourage me when he felt I needed to hear it and rub my back with olive oil. I can remember like it was yesterday my husband telling me “You’re a G”. I had Amy Berrelli who would look at me genuinely and tell me how wonderful I am doing and Laura Cochran who would offer guidance whenever I needed it. I had a birth mix cd my husband hooked up for me that had various artist on it such as Kari Jobe, Lauren Hill, Chrisette Michelle, Maxwell and Tre Nelson and many others. I had silence, peacefulness and most of all I had Jesus.

There were just a few times where my mind would wonder if I could compete this task but those moments were literally seconds. I knew that God created my body to do what it was designed to do and that was carry and bear a child. I could do this.

I knew something was up because when I would briefly open my eyes I would see Laura and Amy doing things. Putting gloves on, Amy would have a flashlight aimed and the GRAND EXIT and I remember hearing Laura whisper to Amy and Ramon to switch places so that Ramon could catch the baby.

There came a point where my back was killing me. Laura suggested I get on my hands and knees. I leaned over the pool and thus began the pushing phase. I did not have anyone tell me to push. My body just knew what to do. With each contraction I found myself pushing with it. It wasn’t intentional I just had to. After a while Laura said, “Cessilye reach down and feel your progress”. I reached down and felt the top of my baby’s head. It was amazing. Here I am doing the very thing that I have witnessed in a multitude of home birth videos. “Thats my baby, I said.” I knew then that the end was literally around the corner. Lets get this done is what was going on in my mind. The funny thing is prior to her telling me to feel by baby, I had no idea just how far along I was.

I kept at it and soon enough my babies head was out. Another contraction went by however it didn’t seem as strong. Laura asked me “Cessilye are you going to push your baby out during the next contraction?” I said, “Im gonna try”. It came the most important contraction of them all, the one to bring by baby’s entire body into this world. It was HARD!! Laura told me I had to push harder than I was and I did. I pushed well beyond the contraction and finally gave birth to Emmanuel Josiah Smith at 8:37pm May 13, 2011.

My husband Ramon and Laura caught Emmanuel and Ramon handed me our son.  The first tears of this entire event were tears at the arrival of our son. As we held our son Ramon prayed over our family. It was the most special moment that our family of three will ever experience. One that I would experience all over again in a heart beat and not change a single thing.

Emmanuel =The Lord is with us

Josiah=The Lord Heals (Read blog entitled “Making a Baby”)

8:37 – the time Emmanuel was born

8=New Beginnings

3=Trinity

7=Completion

So as we begin this new journey, I now know that my family of three is now complete. All thanks to Jesus Christ our Lord and our Savior.

P.S. HE HAD A KNOT IN HIS CORD AND WE NEVER KNEW.

Where do I begin?

First of all I never believed I would be put in a position where anyone would actually listen to me. I mean, I don’t feel I’m doing anything that any normal person with a half a brain would do.

Let me tell you about my experiences at the Women’s March on Washington and The March for Life.

The WMoW was amazing. I felt out of place in a way because there was much going on around me that made my “ultra-conservative” roots shake its head.  But then there was this absolute amazement that we all were so darn different and yet we could march in solidarity with each other. So many are living under the delusion that the WMoW was about abortion.

Let me make some things clear here. Yes, I marched with New Wave Feminists. Yes, we applied to be partners with the WMOW and were listed as a partner. Yes, they rescinded on that partnership once leaders within the feminist movement complained about it. Were we banned from marching? NO.

Indigenous tribes were marching to protect their land and for clean water, FLINT(without clean water for over 1000 days btw) trans lives, women’s healthcare, black lives, refugees, equal pay,  and the list goes and on and on. Just a couple on this list should move you right?

Initially,  I was a little nervous about pulling out our “I am a pro-life feminist” signs. Why? Because we were surrounded by Planned Parenthood supporters and I know that hurt comes packaged in anger. But you know what? We did it anyway. I had one person tell me that I didn’t exist and I kept smiling.  I had many many women staring at me out of curiosity, I knew they wanted to talk to me but they hesitated. After a while of hanging with the rest of the pro-life advocates who maintain a consistent life ethic I decided to separate myself from the crew.  I heard whispers… “those are the pro-lifers” ….”ugh, I don’t want to be anywhere near them”……As much as there seems to be safety in numbers I felt the only way I was going to actually engage with people was by maintaining a smile,  a welcoming persona and separating myself a bit from the intimidating nature of a pro-life group.

This is when something amazing happened…..

A woman, who had been hanging near me for a while approached me. She looked like she had a very hard life, I rubbed her the wrong way and most of all she was pissed.

She asked me “What is this all about?” (meaning my sign). I then explained to her what we were all about. That we have much more in common than we do apart. That we believe in the consistent life ethic, that all people are valuable from the womb to the tomb. That we must first see to the needs of the mother (that being psychological, financial, physical, emotional etc). Once we see to these needs our hope is that they will choose life for their babies. She asked me if I believe in birth control. I said yes and did not get a chance to elaborate. She was still pissed. Btw I believe she was post-abortive. I continued and explained the Help Assist Her app. and ended by sharing that we are trying to make abortion unthinkable not illegal. That we must unpack the reasons why women choose to abort in the first place. We must change the culture.  She paused then said……”I can get behind that” then walked off.

This was the highlight of my day. Nevermind hearing the legend Angela Davis speak, the heartfelt chants led by Janelle Monet leading the mothers of Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown and Eric Garner. No, someone who had her guard up heard me and although we walk on two different paths of advocacy we found common ground. It’s that common ground that will change lives.

 

The March for Life

The MFL was great! I was surrounded by people who maintain the consistent life ethic that I am so passionate about. It was beautiful to see so many people that are passionate about the unborn and marching on their behalf. I feel I must make things clear before my words are twisted. These are my personal thoughts on the differences in the marches and my PERSONAL opinions on how I felt at each march. Please don’t pick me apart and please do not assume that whatever is written is about you.

I knew that when I went to the MFL that my goal was to engage. The march was great but in order for people to listen to you, you have to get to a place where they can hear you. I tried. It was hard.  Between the police barricade and the lack of eye contact from the “other side” it was difficult. There was a moment where I felt like time stood still and I just cried. I was witnessing very large white men holding up a huge Students for Life(I give them cool points fo zeal but that’s it) banner squeezing in behind the protestors. From my vantage point it looked like they were bulldozing them. My internal thoughts where “how is this helping anyone?”. Same goes for all the aborted baby imagery. That was disgusting and shameful in my opinion.

I squeezed my way through their “wall” seeking to find someone from the “other side” to talk to. The only one I could safely speak with was a man who was boldly standing in front of them with his sign of opposition. He listened to me and he agreed with our message and in return he thanked me.

Now I say all of this because it’s clear I had two very different experiences and both were wonderful but I do strongly believe that if our pro-life brothers and sisters went in a direction of understanding the reasons why women choose abortion to begin with we would make some major steps toward change. Criminalizing women instead of meeting their needs will only add to the problem. Bulldozing hurting women to prove a point does nothing but infuriate them.

I’m thankful that Life Matters Journal granted me an opportunity to share my heart on the matter of intersectionality within the pro-life movement. If the pro-life movement wants to break through to the opposition then we must, let me repeat WE MUST recognize that to be pro-life we must first be human. Humans care about women and their ability to care for their families. Humans care about equality, humans care about the marginalized and humans care about the refugee crisis going on RIGHT NOW. We must get past the signs and the movement and feel the other person’s plight. Only then will there be a bridge built between two very different platforms. Until then all the opposition will see are pro-birthers who, bulldoze hurting women, force you to see aborted babies and don’t really care about the many additional lives that are affected by abortion.

 

In Conclusion

So with all that said. I did have a better time at the WMoW because it was clearly intersectional.  They may have held a pro-choice platform but I can work with that because when it’s all said and done, common ground is where change happens.

Last note, to all my pro-life advocates who are hitting the pavements and are doing what needs to be done in this movement….kudos to you. Just remember that on the outside all they see is the stereotype. You must work diligently to break it.